By Mary Grace Alcala
Dumaguete’s quaint university cafeteria—once a humble haven for budget-conscious students—was thrown into turmoil this week after an unexpected visit from the nation’s most relatable and baddie nepo baby, Kiffy DoDirty.
Draped in yet another designer jacket with her signature rose tattoo peeking through, Kiffy arrived with one goal: revolutionize the university’s baked siopao. And, as with all things touched by the DoDirty dynasty, this seemingly small endeavor quickly spiraled into an absolute mess.
The Recipe for Disaster
It all started when Kiffy, fresh off an Instagram story captioned “wake and bake,” sauntered into the cafeteria and squinted at the menu. Her demeanor consisted of nothing but the deep contemplation of someone who just had a taste of the good stuff.
“Wait, this is the siopao everyone eats?” she asked, horror evident on her freshly enhanced face. “This needs, like, an upgrade. Maybe some truffle oil? Gold flakes, caviar? Something.”
The cafeteria staff, confused but unfazed (as they had served far more unhinged students before), attempted to explain the deep cultural significance of the classic steamed bun. But Kiffy, equipped with her confidence and an Instagram following that ranged from devoted fan(atic)s to skeptical onlookers, wasn’t having it
“No, babes,” she interrupted. “My dad literally built this country. I know good food.”
The People’s Siopao (Pending Approval)
Word of Kiffy’s siopao coup quickly reached the student body, triggering an all-out dispute on whether privilege should be a prerequisite for culinary criticism. Some asserted that her refined tastes were a blessing, while others whispered that perhaps siopao should remain accessible to those who didn’t have the norms to casually purchase a $7,000 necklace on a whim.
Differentiated to make her vision a reality, Kiffy took to Instagram once more. “Y’all don’t get it. This isn’t about me—it’s about the people. My dad did a lot for this country. And I’m just trying to continue his legacy… by making siopao, like, better.”
The students, ever the obnoxiously resilient bunch, quickly adapted. Some mocked up posters declaring “Siopao for the People! Not for the Privileged!” while others began ironically ordering their buns with an extra side of gold flakes and mockery.
Siopao Supremacy and a Pending Franchise
While Kiffy eventually moved on from her siopao reform crusade (rumor has it she’s now lobbying for a Gucci-sponsored taho stand), the cafeteria remained unchanged—except for the newfound Siopao Legacy discourse that would haunt campus group chats for months to come.
And somewhere, amidst the whispers of both admiration and exasperation, one thing remained abundantly clear: No matter how much money one has, no matter how many designer surgeries they can afford, and no matter how much privilege shields them from the realities of everyday life…
Siopao, at its core, belongs to the people.
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DISCLAIMER: This is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. Content published during the lampoon period is to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.
