By Mel Mango
A love story better than Twilight: the tension between a Samukanian and an overpriced cup of coffee. Like an anion to a cation, the raw animal magnetism between these two is one for the books.
Dearly departed and separated lovers, coffee shops of the overpriced variety tend to be a pedicab ride away—far enough to limit caffeine intake to a healthy one-a-day. But we, Samukanians, consume enough to keep our hearts beating through back-to-back all-nighters, so that simply won’t do.
The students demanded proximity, and for once, our dear Samukan University listened. Remember that “Library reopens in January” promise? Well, dear Samukanians, the delay was apparently for our benefit all along.
Presenting: Samukan University’s very own Donya McCanniatos (no association to the similar sounding one).
Our heartstopper is finally within reach! A land flowing with books, bean bags, overpriced coffee, and a Wi-Fi connection as consistent as your situationship’s replies. This, my friends, is where our tuition goes—and honestly? Enabling student caffeine addiction is one of the better ways to spend it. Not to mention, it’s in the best location possible.
It’s a beautiful place to have a caffeine-fueled academic breakdown.
Why rent out the cobwebbed upper floors of Purrtal-East when you can subtly threaten a hundred-year-old archival book with a permanent caffeine stain?
And really, how else are we supposed to generate extra income for our beloved university? Surely, Samukan’s business plan involves something more tangible than relying on enrolment-generated funds?
…Right?
Anyway.
Now that our beloved library has embraced its inner barista, we conducted an in-depth review by interviewing the most credible experts we could find—our fellow Samukanians. Here’s what they had to say:
Psychology senior and self-proclaimed coffee aficionado Annabelle Latt gave a glowing review: “Lasang lighter fluid.”
Meanwhile, first-year med student Mark T. Tinio responded with a blank stare and mumbled something about needing a triple espresso shot—“or one shot to the cephalic region.”
So, clearly, the reviews are excellent.
Now, how much does this life-altering beverage cost, you ask? A standard latte is a cheap ₱320. But don’t panic! You can finance it at ₱80 per month across the semester. Zero interest, they say. (Do the math.)
And so, we close the book on this narrative of overpriced passion, questionable financial decisions, and the ghost of a long-delayed modernization. Is the coffee good? Well, we have our own tastes (Smile).
That is to say—it depends on you.
Because really, in this economy, who needs sleep when you’re facing challenges a bit more severe than “mere” sleep debt?
Our collective mental health might actually benefit from caffeine-induced hallucinations of academic success, when you think about it. At this point, that’s all the joy we have left (Bawi sa Finals, Samukanian?).
As a wise philosopher once told me, with coffee foam and lip gloss on her top lip: “Delulu (Delusion) is the solulu (solution).” And, despite the stagnancy of my test scores, boy did I feel better.
So go ahead. Sip slowly. Savor the chaos. And as we chika over our newly-acquired library’s (and, honestly, surprisingly cool) tables and chairs, we raise our cups and say—
Happy sipping, Samukanian.
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DISCLAIMER: This is part of the Weekly Sillimanian’s lampoon issue. Any real, semi-real, or similar names, places, people, products, services, and locales are used purely for satirical purposes, and the corresponding details are purely fictional. Content published during the lampoon period is to be considered satire, parody, surrealism, and humor.
